Wherein I Move a Lot of Words Around

Death Star Architect (as text)

I really hate this trend of posting everything as g'damned images for the sole purpose of making it easier to repost on crappy social networks where the users are too lazy to do anything but scroll.

What makes it even worse is when good content is locked in the stupid. A couple of years ago, Dorkly wrote a nice bit of humor about the Death Star architect but posted it as an image. That makes it damned-near impossible to read on anything other than a computer or tablet (which is not where most people are these days).

So, as a public service I ran it through Prizmo and present it below.

An Open Letter From a Death Star Architect

 Hey guys, It's me. The guy who put in the exhaust ports on the Death Star.

I know, I know -

"What a stupid design flaw!”

"You are singlehandedly responsible for the destruction of our ultimate weapon and battlestation!"

"How could ANYONE have made such a huge mistake?!"

Over the past week, I've gotten a lot of guff from people I considered to be friends and colleagues about how my "shoddy" design would be the downfall of our entire government Not only that, but I’ve been force-choked (and regular-choked) by more superiors than I can count (and Human Resources has been VERY reluctant to respond to my complaints about being invisibly strangled by a cyborg space wizard). But I have one response to all of you who blame me for the destruction of the Death Star:

Are you FUCKING serious???

I mean, do you understand the point of exhaust ports? Do you know HOW MUCH EXHAUST is created by this MOON-SIZED battle station? There were hundreds of floors on that thing. It housed a laser capable of instantly blowing up planets. It needs a LOT of ventilation the fact that I was able to keep those exhaust ports to the size of a womp rat should earn me some credit.

Now- let's talk a little about what happened at the Battle of Yavin IV. Some farmboy nobody flies down a trench, shoots some bombs out of his X-Wing straight ahead, the bombs take a 90 DEGREE TURN and then they go EXACTLY down the tiny exhaust port, go down miles and miles of insanely narrow pipe and hit the Death Star's core, blowing it up.  Notice anything weird there?

First off, 'exhaust' doesn't mean shit gets SUCKED DOWN. It means shit gets PUSHED UP. That's what it is it's expelling gas. Outward. As in, not in a direction that would suck down a bomb. If anything, it should have pushed the bombs UP.

So how'd the bomb take a right angle turn down it?.


"But Exhaust Port Designer!" you say. "All of the magic space wizards were killed!”

Damn, ya got me there OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT! THE KID WHO TOOK THE SHOT JUST HAPPENED TO BE NAMED 'SKYWALKER.' Yep, same as our leather-daddy asthmatic boss. And he just so happened to be from the same planet as or Chokey. And it turns out- he wasn't even using his targeting computer when he made the winning shot! What a coincidence.

And - hey! Who was the guy pursuing the computer-less moisture-farmer? Oh, that's right - it was Darth Vader, his dad! And he managed to spectacularly fail at taking out this first-time pilot, who just so happened to be his son. And know what else is weird? Darth Vader was the only survivor of the Death Star explosion! And with the death of Grand Moff Tarkin, that made Vader the number 2 person in the Empire!

Sidenote: anyone else think it was weird that fucking DARTH VADER had to answer to middle management?.

Anyways, the point is this: maybe the exhaust port wasn't the problem. The shot was LITERALLY NOT POSSIBLE...

unless you had magic powers. Magic powers that allowed you to manipulate matter and move it at your whims, which - surprise, surprise - is pretty much the default use of The Force. Reminder:. our galaxy used to be run by a bunch of sexless monk warlocks. Their specialty was moving shit with their mind. And the kid who made the shot happened to be a direct descendant of the most powerful sexless monk warlock of all-time.

Maybe if we weren't up against a bunch of space wizards or if Darth Vader had tried a little harder to wipe out his kid, we'd still have the Death Star. That's the problem - not a tiny hole that did what it was designed to do.

Anyways, I was somehow "left off' plans to build a new Death Star. I noticed part of the plan allowed for a giant 'Millennium Falcon-sized' hole right in the middle that leads to the core, so maybe a tiny exhaust port won't look like that much of an oversight soon.

May the Fucks Not Be Given

-Dak Exhaustport

Again, the original is on Dorkly and this is just a different presentation format because the morons over there don't understand how computers work.